Inside Out
Business Edition
"You can't change the direction of the wind. . .
but you can adjust your sails!"
--Jimmy Dean

Kim Olver, MS, NCC, LPC

www.Coachingforexcellence.biz
Kim@Coachingforexcellence.biz

To read our blog click here or go to www.coachingforexcellence.biz and click on "Blog" on the left hand navigation bar.
Read some of Kim's musings and add some of your own!

A Message from Kim

Hi. I have been getting a lot of inquiries lately about managing anger and de-escalation skills so this issue of Inside Out is devoted to this topic. I hope you enjoy it.

I am in the process of writing the book: Diversity from the Inside Out: Building, Retaining and Leveraging the Diverse Workforce You Need. I am seeking any workplace stories, good or bad, pertaining to the topic of diversity in the workplace. Please send me your stories and if I use yours in my book, I will send you an autographed copy of the book. I am particularly interested in how things are experienced by minorities in the workplace---African-Americans, Asians, Hispanics, homosexuals, Native Americans, and women. What are they dealing with, how do they get ahead and what still stands in their way. I would also like to hear from white males of European dissent who believe that reverse discrimination has affected them in the workplace. Any stories you share must involve true, actual events and you may send them to kim@coachingforexcellence.biz. I look forward to hearing from you.

Also, if you like this article and would like to more, I have a special report on De-escalation Skills. For further information on that special report click here. I will also be running a teleclass on Diffusing Anger on 10/31/05 from 1 PM-2 PM ET. Click on title for more information and/or to sign up for this teleclass. And finally, if you are interested in having training for your staff on De-Escalations skills you can contact me at kim@coachingforexcellence.biz.biz or call me at 708-957-6047.

Have a fantastic month!

In This Issue

Feature Article
Ten Critical De-Escalation Skills

Upcoming Events
Teleclasses
Chat Room

Quote of the Week
"Any person capable of angering you becomes your master; he can anger you
only when you permit yourself to be disturbed by him."
                             --Epictetus

Book Review
Primary Domino Thinking: Creating the Life You Want
by Anthony S. Dallmann-Jones, Ph.D.

Tip of the Week

Business Q&A

CLICK HERE
for Free Teleclass Offer

About Kim Olver

Feature Article

Ten Critical De-Escalation Skills
by Kim Olver

Being able to de-escalate one’s own and the anger of others is an important skill to have in business. Hopefully, this is not something the reader deals with on a regular basis but unfortunately most people in business encounter either their own anger or the anger of others more frequently than they would like.

In order to be successful at de-escalating anger, a person must understand and become skillful in the following areas.

Prevention Steps:

1. Recognize that anger is a choice of a wide range of behaviors that could be used to get what one needs in a situation. It is a behavior that has benefit for its user. Anger can get people the attention they need, help them escape things they don’t want to do, help them gain control over another person or situation, or pump them up when they are feeling small and insignificant.

2. The person interacting with the angry person must identify his or her own emotion at any given point in time. If the helping person is also experiencing anger, then that person will not be very effective assisting others to manage theirs.

3. When potential interventionists are experiencing anger, they must be able to change what they are doing or thinking to get their emotions under control or seek the assistance they will need to manage the situation.

4. Perform a quick self-assessment. A potential helper must ask the following questions. Can I avoid criticizing and finding fault with the angry person? Can I avoid being judgmental? Can I keep from trying to control the other person into doing something he or she doesn’t want to do? Can I keep myself removed from the conflict? Can I believe that the people using anger have the right to make decisions and choices about how they meet their needs and that they have within them the ability to make those decisions? Can I try to see the situation from the angry person’s point of view and understand what need or needs he or she is trying to satisfy? And finally, can I remember that my job is to place the healing of relationships as my primary concern?

If the listener can’t answer these questions in the affirmative, then he or she will need assistance in managing the person who is expressing anger.

5. Recognize early warning signs. Many incidents of anger could be prevented if those who are around a person about to become angry notice the subtle change in the person’s behavior. Quiet people may become agitated; while louder, more outgoing people generally become quiet and introspective. Paying attention to these subtle changes and simply commenting on the change could help the individual talk about things so he or she wouldn’t have to become angry.

Prevention goes a long way. However, there still will be times when you don’t notice the early warning signs or when your first encounter with the person occurs when they are already in an angry state.

Also, it’s possible that you will do everything right in this prevention phase and angry people will still choose anger as their best chance for getting what they want. When any of these situations occur, the listener will need to employ one or all of the five de-escalation skills.

Intervention Steps:

6. Active listening is the process of really attempting to hear, acknowledge and understand what a person is saying. It is a genuine attempt to put oneself in the other person’s situation. More than anything, this involves LISTENING! Listening means attending not only to the words the other person is saying but also the underlying emotion, as well as, the accompanying body language.

By simply providing a sounding board and a willing ear, a person’s anger can be dissipated.

7. Acknowledgement occurs when the listener is attempting to sense the emotion underlying the words a person is using and then comments on that emotion. The person may say something like, “You sound really angry right now!” By acknowledging and really trying to understand what the angry person is feeling, that person becomes able to release a lot of the aggression.

8. Agreeing---often when people are angry about something, there is at least 2 % truth in what they are saying. When attempting to diffuse someone’s anger, it is important to find that 2 % of truth and agree with it.

When someone is angry and the listener attempts to reason with the person, his or her efforts will be largely ineffective. When the listener agrees with the 2% of truth in the angry person’s tirade, he or she takes away the resistance and consequently eliminates the fuel for the fire.

9. Apologizing is a good de-escalation skill. I’m not talking about apologizing for an imaginary wrong. I am talking about sincerely apologizing for anything in the situation that was unjust. It’s simply a statement acknowledging that something occurred that wasn’t right or fair.

This can have the effect of letting angry people know that the listener is sincerely sorry for what they are going through and they may cease to direct their anger at the person attempting to help.

10. Inviting criticism is the final of the de-escalation skills. In this instance the listener would simply ask the angry person to voice his or her criticism of the listener or the situation. The person intervening might say something like, “Go ahead. Tell me everything that has you upset. Don’t hold anything back. I want to hear everything you are angry about.”

This invitation will sometimes temporarily intensify the angry emotion but if the listener continues to encourage the person to vent his or her anger and frustration, eventually, the angry person runs out of complaints. Just let the angry person vent until the anger is spent.

Even when using the above ten skills, there may be a rare occasion when the listener is unsuccessful in the attempts to decrease the other person’s anger. The listener’s safety should be the primary concern. The listener should not get between the angry person and his or her only means of escape and shouldn’t allow the angry person to block the listener’s only means of escape.

Anyone intervening in an emotionally charged situation should always have a plan or an established way to get help if needed and remember to always stay calm. An angry person is generally someone capable of getting out of control. When out of control people sense they are intimidating and scaring others, it can increase their sense of power and control, resulting in an escalation of the situation. The helpers must stay calm and act as if they are in control of themselves and the situation.

Should you want Coaching for Excellence to provide staff development for your employees in de-escalation skills, simply contact Kim at 708-957-6047, email her at Kim@CoachingforExcellence.biz or log on to the website at http://www.coachingforexcellence.biz.

Copyright © August 2005 Kim Olver. All rights reserved

*Click Here or on icon to read some of Kim's other articles*

Upcoming Events

Teleclasses
(Times in EST)

All teleclasses are one (1) hour in length and all you need is a telephone. When you register we will send you a phone number that you will call five minutes prior to the start of your teleclass. You will have the opportunity to ask questions, but if you prefer to just listen that’s all right too. You do not need a computer or Internet, only a telephone. Don’t delay. There are a limited number of slots available.
Click on date to register for teleclass or visit www.coachingforexcellence.biz events calendar

Getting What You Deserve in Your Negotiations
September 27, 2005 - 2:00 p.m.

Are you the person who seems to always give in to keep the peace and later feels resentful? Are you the one who typically wins the argument only to feel empty later because you have damaged a relationship?  If either of these is you, join us on this teleclass so that you can learn skills to help ensure that all parties get what they want, while at the same time maintaining or even strengthening the relationship between them!

Quality Schools
October 18, 2005 - 3:00 p.m.

Are you a teacher, school administrator or board member? Are you concerned about discipline issues in school and poor academic performance? Then join this teleclass and learn about the innovative new approach to education based on Dr. William  Glasser’s Choice Theory. There are currently 15 Quality Schools in the US and they all have eliminated discipline problems and have significantly increased their scores on state academic achievement tests. This class could be your answer to “No Child Left Behind.” Register for this call today.

Diffusing Anger
October 31, 2005 - 1:00 p.m.

Are you someone who is confronted with angry people in the course of your job? Angry co-workers, angry managers, angry customers, angry supplier, angry subordinates? Want to learn ways to take the wind out their sails and have them communicating more cooperatively? Then this class is for you! Register for this call today.

Value Clarification
November 29, 2005 - 2:00 p.m.

Are you in a business where your values and the values of others often come into conflict? Are you involved in a diverse workforce or customer base? Do you often find yourself shaking your head at the way other people do things? This class will help you by providing exercises for you to clarify the values that are most important for you as well as giving you the opportunity to hear other’s differing view points. You could gain the understanding necessary to accept other people’s ways without frustration. Register for this call today.

Chat Room

Kim will be available in her chat room for questions
and dialog on the following dates and times:

September 22, 2005 - 8:30 - 9;30 p.m.
September 26, 2005 - 3:00 - 4:00 p.m.
October 4, 2005 - 9:00 - 10:00 p.m.
October 12, 2005 - 12:00 - 1:00 p.m.
October 17, 2005 - 7:00 - 8:00 p.m.
October 24, 2005 2:00 - 3:00 p.m.

Quote of the Week

"Any person capable of angering you becomes your master; he can anger you only when you permit yourself to be disturbed by him."
                             --Epictetus

This quote speaks to this month’s theme on managing anger/de-escalation skills. It addresses giving away one’s personal power to another person by not staying grounded and calm when attacked. Whenever we give another person the power to manipulate our emotions, we lose our own internal power. When you tap into the store of power within you, then no one can shake you from your path. If you choose to be happy or at peace, then you will be regardless of what’s going on around you.

Book Review

Primary Domino Thinking: Creating the Life You Want
by Anthony S. Dallmann-Jones, Ph.D.

This is a book that is relatively simple to read but contains some very important information regarding how we actually meet our goals in life. Dr. Dallmann-Jones speaks about the three parts to any deliberate transition in your life: your thoughts about where you want to go; the thoughts, behaviors, emotions and events in between; and the final result.  His contention is that if we are deliberate and mindful about setting that first primary thought, the primary domino thought, then the rest will automatically take care of itself. Once we program our brain to go in a certain direction, it has no choice but to follow our stated intention. Of course, it isn’t just as simple as all that. We must be very clear and deliberate about what we want and ignore anything that is competing for our attention. This would include the naysayers in our lives, the well-intentioned who are trying to counsel us in a different direction, as well as any competing negative thoughts we may be having about ourselves and our ability to accomplish our goals. This book is not too deep for those who are just beginning to study the field of quantum physics and the self-help arena. It would be an excellent introductory book for those of you who are looking for something more but aren’t yet ready to dive into a book by Deepak Chopra, for example. It’s really written as simply as Napoleon Hill’s Think and Grow Rich but in today’s language.

Click here to order this book

Tip of the Week

I have been getting a lot of inquiries lately about what to do regarding unethical behavior in the workplace. While it is difficult to speak about this very broad topic without specific examples, I will try to give a broad, generic answer. First of all, I want to be clear that we are not talking about illegal behavior. What I am referring to in this tip is behavior that would be deemed unethical, not illegal. When you notice unethical behavior in the workplace, I believe your first responsibility is to speak directly to the person committing the offense. You should approach him or her with the attitude Stephen Covey discusses in his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. His fifth habit is called, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

One of the biggest problems in relationships is self-righteousness. Once we know what is right and ethical for us, we believe we have THE answer about what is right and ethical for everyone. The area of ethical behavior is fluid and ever changing. While there are some absolutes such as it is unethical for a therapist to engage in sexual activity with his or her client, other ethical considerations are open for debate. So, approach the person you are having a problem with and discuss the situation in the spirit of trying to understand where that person is coming from. If this does not solve the issue, then you can tell the person that you intend to discuss the situation further with that person’s supervisor and invite him or her to that meeting.

Finally, there is one more area to consider. If you belong to a group that has ethical guidelines about what to do when another member of the group violates the ethical code, then you may have to report that person to their ethical body. Even if you are not a member honor-bound to report, you can take it upon yourself to report a colleague’s unethical behavior if they are in a field where their behavior is regulated.

From a choice theory perspective, you can’t change another person’s behavior. You can only provide them with information. It’s possible the person didn’t know he or she was being unethical. It’s possible you have a different interpretation of what unethical means in this particular situation. It’s possible that the behavior is supported by management. It’s possible you will do all that is available to you to report the offense and nothing will happen. You have to ask yourself what kind of person do you want to be in that situation.

F-R-E-E Teleclass

How would you like to take one of my teleclasses for f.ree? All you have to do is get two (2) people to subscribe to either of my e-zines and send me their e-mail addresses for confirmation with the name of the teleclass you would like to attend. If you do not wish to attend one of the teleclasses, you can give your f.ree teleclass to a friend or family member. It’s that simple! Send either one or both of the following links to all your friends and family and ask them to subscribe to the e-zine. For the personal edition of "Inside Out", go to The Relationship Center and for the business/school edition go to Coaching for Excellence and have them type their name and email address in the boxes on the right-hand side of the web page where it says, “Subscribe to Receive 'Inside Out', our Fr.ee EZine". Only two people actually have to subscribe for you to be eligible for a f.ree teleclass. Once their subscription has been confirmed you will receive an e-mail giving you the bridge line and access code for the teleclass of your choosing. A listing of teleclasses being offered can be found in both my weekly e-zine or on my calendar page at either web site. There is no limit to the amount of f.ree teleclasses you can earn---you get one f.ree teleclass for every two referrals that sign up for one of my e-zines. Within the next year I am planning on adding many new teleclasses on several topics including the following:

How to Do More in Less Time
Coaching for Peak Performance
Effective Communication
Goal Setting and Attainment
Diffusing Anger
Problem Solving
…….and many more.

Please continue to check this eZine and my website calendar for these new and exciting teleclasses. Don’t wait, take advantage of this offer and experience the new technology of teleclasses, learning and growing from home or office.

Business Q&A

Question: I am a front line worker and I often get hit with angry people when what they are angry about has nothing to do with me. This gets me really angry because I end up getting yelled at for something I didn’t even do! It’s not fair and I don’t see why I have to be nice to them when they are obviously being disrespectful toward me.

Answer:Well, first of all I’m sure that as a front line worker you do catch a lot of the anger that is directed at the system, at the company or agency or at other people. That really is unfair and I’m sorry you have to go through that but it is what generally occurs nonetheless. (If you read the article, then you know I just used two diffusing anger skills---agreeing and apologizing.)

When you stated that this kind of treatment “gets you really angry”, I get concerned because it sounds like you are saying that you have no control over your anger. No one can “make you angry” unless you allow it by giving away your power. You can choose to stay calm in the wake of another person’s anger.

My final comment pertains to whether or not you have to “nice” to someone who is yelling at you. I am a big fan of saying, “You don’t HAVE to do anything.” You must ask yourself what is the usefulness of being nice to this person and what might the consequences be if I’m not. Make a rational, instead of emotional, decision about how to handle the situation. If your job is important to you and you can find satisfaction in maintaining your cool in the face of someone else’s anger instead of feeling that you must match your consumer angry decibel for angry decibel, then using the de-escalation skills I have outlined above might be your wisest course of action. Obviously, keeping any consumer or customer satisfied with your company’s service is an asset for the company. Word of mouth can make or break a company. This should explain the usefulness of being nice and attempting to work it out even if it wasn’t your fault.

However, I can’t make you do it the way I think is best. You always have the option of unloading on the angry person all your own anger and frustration. You may feel better in the moment but my guess is that when you are unemployed and thinking about the behavior you chose, you may realize the short-lived satisfaction wasn’t worth it, after all. Let me know how it turns out for you.

About Kim Olver

Kim Olver is a professional coach, specializing in the field of interpersonal skills, empowerment and leadership development. She has functioned in the role of supervisor and administrator for over 20 years. This column is for readers to submit their questions for Kim to answer. It could be a question about supervision skills, maximizing teamwork, customer service, interpersonal skills or client satisfaction and empowerment. No interpersonal question in the field of work is off limits. To ask your question, simply send it by email to Kim@CoachingforExcellence.biz and look for her response in future issues.

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Copyright © September 15, 2005 Kim Olver. All rights reserved.