Inside Out
Business Edition
"You can't change the direction of the wind. . .
but you can adjust your sails!"
--Jimmy Dean

Kim Olver, MS, NCC, LPC

www.Coachingforexcellence.biz
Kim@Coachingforexcellence.biz

To read our blog click here or go to www.coachingforexcellence.biz and click on "Blog" on the left hand navigation bar. Read some of Kim's musings and add some of your own!

A Message from Kim

Well, I hope everyone is enjoying what life has to offer them. I have been busy with traveling and training in the past month and am very grateful that the weather is beginning to warm up, trees are budding and some early flowers are blooming. This month I am featuring the process of Reality Therapy for my readers to better understand what it is.

Reality Therapy is not simply a counseling method—its application is far broader than that. I think of Reality Therapy as a goal setting/problem solving process that is applicable in all situations in our lives. I use the process with myself when I am attempting to figure out a problem or accomplish something that seems to be eluding me. I use it to help my children make better decisions by asking them questions about what they want and if their current behavior is likely to lead them in that direction. I use it to help my friends in the same way. Reality Therapy is the perfect model for the coaching relationship. It is a wonderful tool for you to learn and have in your arsenal for everyday living.

I have many weeks of training coming up and am excited to do each and every one of them! I have also been thinking about offering one- or two-day workshops in Choice Theory and Reality Therapy because I believe there are many interested in training but committing to an entire week may be more than they are prepared to do. I am testing the marketplace on this issue. If you would be willing to attend a one- or two-day workshop on these ideas, would you please send me an email to kim@coachingforexcellence.biz. The one-day would cost $147 and the two-day would be $274. I’d be interested in any ideas you have to market these concepts to the World Wide Web.

Also, I remind you that if you recommend this ezine to two people who sign up to receive it for free, then you will be able to receive a $19 coupon for any of my products or services. All you need to do is let me know the names and email addresses of the people you referred to me and once their subscription has been verified, you will receive your $19 coupon. Thanks for your help.

In This Issue

Feature Article
Problem Solving with
Reality Therapy

Upcoming Events
Teleclasses
Chat Room

Quote of the Week
“What happened in the past that was painful has a great deal to do
with what we are today, but revisiting this painful past can contribute
little or nothing to what we need to do now . . .”—Dr. William Glasser

Book Review
Reality Therapy
Dr. William Glasser

Tip of the Week

Business Q&A

Reports & eBooks

CLICK HERE
for Fr.ee Teleclass Offer

About Kim Olver

Feature Article

Problem Solving with Reality Therapy
by Kim Olver

Reality Therapy is a counseling method that was developed by Dr. William Glasser in 1965. However, it is so much more than a counseling technique. Reality Therapy is a problem solving method that works well with people who are experiencing problems they want help solving, as well as those who are having problems and appear to not want any assistance. Reality Therapy also provides an excellent model for helping individuals solve their own problems objectively and serves as the ideal questioning series during coaching sessions.

The underlying key to Reality Therapy is the relationship that is established with the person who needs the help. This is most critical when you are attempting to help someone who doesn’t really want your help, such as a non-voluntary client, a resistant student or your sometimes even your own child. Without a positive relationship, you have no influence. To your helpee, you sound similar to the way adults sound in the Peanuts cartoons, “Whaa, wha, whaa, whaa, whaa.” Your helpee doesn’t hear you without the relationship. Gary Zucov says, “Relationship is the root of all influence.” This is certainly true. You can have all the knowledge in the world but if the person you are attempting to help doesn’t believe you care and have their best interests at heart, they, most likely, will not be listening to you.

So how do you build a relationship? Reality Therapy provides a model by instructing helpers to create a need-satisfying environment. The five basic needs of all humans are survival; love and belonging; power; freedom and fun. So, in a helping relationship, the helper must create an environment where it is possible for the person being helped to feel safe; to feel connected to the helper in some way; to be listened to and respected; to have some choices; and to have some fun or learning with the helper. After creating this need-satisfying environment and working hard to maintain it throughout the relationship, the helper can move on to the actual problem.

After hearing the person’s story, the helper needs to determine what the ideal solution would look like from the other person’s point of view. So, for example, if the person were complaining about a fight he had with his girlfriend, ask the question, “What do you want to happen? How do you want this to work out?” It is critical to get a specific picture of what the ideal solution will look like from the perspective of the person experiencing the problem. The helper is leading him or her away from the problem and into a problem-solution mode. In this way, the focus is off the past and the problem, which cannot be changed. The focus instead is on the behavior the person can create to move himself in the direction of the solution he wants.

The next step is to take an inventory of all the things the person is doing to attempt to get the situation to work out the way he or she wants. The helper asks the person to list the steps he or she is taking to move closer to his or her goal. Typically, the person will only list positive things, but the helper needs to ask them to consider everything he or she is doing that is both helping and hindering his or her progress. It is even acceptable for the helper to add in some observations of his or her own. The point is to get as complete a picture as possible. In addition to considering one’s outward behavior, ask about their thoughts, feelings and physiology (if appropriate), as well.

The next step is the most crucial in the entire process. In the next step the helper asks helpees if their current behavior is likely to get them what they say they want. This is the step where the helper comforts the afflicted and afflicts the comfortable. If the person is already aware that what he or she is doing is not working, then they are already in distress and ready to try something different. So the helper comforts the afflicted by helping them find a solution. On the other hand, if the person is unaware that he or she needs help, this will be the step that drives the point home. Answering this question is likely to afflict the comfortable by holding up a mirror of their own behavior and asking if it is likely to be effective in getting what he or she wants. If the answer is no, then they generally experience enough discomfort to at least look at some alternatives.

The final step in the Reality Therapy process is to help the helpee come up with a plan to do something more effective. This is best accomplished by helping the person focus on those things that are within his or her control—his or her own thoughts and actions. We don’t help a depressed person by simply saying, “Cheer up!” People cannot directly control their feelings but they can directly control their actions and thinking. Similarly, people like to focus their time and attention on what others could and should do to give them what they want but attempting to control others is generally a fruitless activity. Helping people to focus on changing their own behavior and thoughts is generally the goal of Reality Therapy.

Of course there are many subtle nuances to the process and I have only provided a thumbnail sketch of the process, but you can easily see a variety of applications as mentioned in the introduction to this article. If you are interested in further training in the subject, please go to http://www.coachingforexcellence.biz/RealityTherapy.shtml.

Copyright © April 2006 Kim Olver. All rights reserved

*Click Here or to read some of Kim's other articles*

Upcoming Events

Teleclasses
(Times in EST)

All teleclasses are one (1) hour in length and all you need is a telephone. When you register we will send you a phone number that you will call five minutes prior to the start of your teleclass. You will have the opportunity to ask questions, but if you prefer to just listen that’s all right too. You do not need a computer or Internet, only a telephone. Don’t delay. There are a limited number of slots available.

Conflict Resolution
May 2, 2006 -- 7:00 - 8:00 p.m.

Are you in a situation where conflict is a common occurrence? Perhaps there is conflict in the workplace, within your home or extended family? Wherever the onflict, this class will teach you ways to recognize potential pitfalls and avoid them. You will also learn a way to negotiate that maximizes the likelihood that you will get what you want.

Class Meetings
May 9, 2006 -- 2:00 - 3:00 p.m.

Are you a teacher interested in increasing the cooperation with and among your students? Then this class can help. You will learn a technique called, class meetings, which is a way to involve your students in the decision making of the classroom. When they participate in this process, there is a stronger possibility that they will cooperate with whatever is agreed upon in the meeting. What do you have to lose? It is working successfully in Quality Schools across the country and internationally.

Problem Solving
May 24, 2006 -- 2:00 - 3:00 p.m.

Do you find yourself having to make quick decisions? Are you often unsure about the decisions you make? Do you try to keep everyone happy with your decisions? If any of thisdescribes you, then you will benefit from this teleclass. Learn how to make decisions based on universal principles and not the trend or keeping others happy. Learn how to make decisions on the spot when necessary, how to take the time you need to make other decisions and the difference between the two. Critical decision-making is a skill they don’t teach in college and you really can’t function at a top level without it.

Chat Room

Kim will be available in her chat room for questions
and dialog on the following dates and times:

April 25, 2006 -- 5:00 - 6:00 p.m.
May 1, 2006 -- 9:00 - 10:00 p.m.
May 9, 2006 -- 3:00 - 4:00 p.m.
May 17, 2006 -- 8:00 - 9:00 p.m.
May 26, 2006 -- 3:00 - 4:00 p.m.
May 30, 2006 -- 8:00 - 9:00 p.m.

Quote of the Week

Book Review

Reality Therapy
by Dr. William Glasser

No newsletter on Reality Therapy would be complete without a book review on Dr. William Glasser’s timeless classic, Reality Therapy, written in 1965.

Dr. Glasser began as an engineering student. He left engineering and went into medicine, specializing in psychiatry. When he began practicing, he developed a commonsense, practical, present day approach to treatment that he came to name “Reality Therapy.” His premise is that things are tough all over, now what are you going to do about it?

Always his focus is on what is within a person’s power and control to change or impact. He empowers his clients by directing them to focus their energy on things they can change. This is why he doesn’t spend a lot of time talking about the past. While the past is an important component responsible, in part, for shaping  who we are today, a person cannot change things that happened in the past. Staying focused in the past is a very disempowering position because it can’t be changed.

Another error that people often make is thinking their life would be absolutely fine if someone else in it would change. This may, in fact, be true, however one person has very little impact in changing another person unless that person genuinely wants to change. This is why Reality Therapy focuses on what the person can change about him or herself to better manage the people and circumstances of his or her life. One’s own behavior and thinking is within the person’s control to change. That is empowering rather than spending a lifetime wishing that someone else would change.

Reality therapy helps people identify their goals, evaluate the actions they currently engage in as they relate to the attainment of that goal and when not effective, asks people to create a plan to do it more effectively. It’s a very commonsense approach to problem solving that isn’t common. It is much more common to remain in a victim’s role, blaming the past and other people for where we are today. If you are interested in taking control of your life, then Reality Therapy will show you the way.

Click here to order this book

Tip of the Week

When you are using Reality Therapy to help someone move closer to their goals and it seems they are stalled, making no progress, an important clarifying question might be, “What would you have to give up to get what you want?” So many times people will identify a goal they have but aren’t making progress toward it and we, as the helpers, wonder why. Many times there is something advantageous in their current behavior that they believe they would lose by moving in the direction of their identified goal.

If you ask the question, “What would you have to give up to get what you want?”, you will uncover the conflict and be able to work toward a combined picture. For example, some common conflicts include: I want to lose weight and I want to eat dessert; I want to be out of debt but I want to buy what I want; I want everyone to like me but I want to confront her about what she did. You get the idea. Often we want something but as we move closer to what we want, we often have to give up some other satisfying behavior.

Uncovering the conflict can help you develop a plan to do both, if it’s possible. The questions sound different. Instead of how can you lose the weight you want, the question becomes how can you lose the weight you want and still enjoy some of the desserts you love. Instead of how can you get out of debt, the question becomes how can you get out of debt and still be able to buy some of what you want. By ignoring the second half of the equation, you can almost be certain that there won’t be any major progress toward the original goal.

Business Q&A

Question: Does Reality Therapy work with everyone? When would you not use it?

Answer: My answer depends on how you define “work.” If by work you mean that you can get your clients, friends, children and others to do what you think is the right thing for them, then I say no, it won’t always work. However, if you define “work” as people being able to evaluate their behavior, options and choices to come up with the best decision for them at that point in time, then I would say, “Yes, it almost always works.”

There are two parts of Reality Therapy—the first is creating the counseling environment and creating a relationship. The second is the procedures that lead to change. If you are attempting to use the procedures that lead to change and experiencing resistance, then my advice would be to focus more on building the relationship. So, I would use reality therapy in most situations but which part I focus on would change depending on the situation.

Some possible exceptions would be people whose reasoning power is impaired such as in autism, organic brain dysfunction, and dementia. However, even in those extreme cases, I would work on creating an environment where those individuals are able to get their basic needs met. This is another way of saying I would work on creating the counseling environment.

Reports & eBooks

Diversity at Work - Do you believe you maintain a diverse workforce in your company?  Do all your employees come together in critical situations or are there cultural divisions?  This chapter from my book, "Leveraging Diversity at Work: How to Hire, Retain and Inspire a Diverse Workplace for Peak Performance and Profit" discusses diversity issues in the workplace and how maintaining a diverse workforce can create a satisfying work environment for your employees and ultimately contribute to the growth and bottom line of your company. If you would like more information about my book click here or click on the "books" link in the left navigation bar. Receive "Diversity at Work" FREE when you purchase a Coaching Package. Click here or on the "Coaching Services " link in the left navigation bar to view our packages. To purchase this ebook alone, simply click on the title above, Diversity at Work.

De-Escalation Skills Tip Sheet
Are you someone who is confronted with angry people in the course of your job? Angry co-workers, angry managers, angry customers, angry clients, angry suppliers, angry subordinates? Want to learn ways to take the wind out their sails and have them communicating more cooperatively?

In this special tip sheet, gain some insight into your own anger and methods for getting it under control before attempting to intervene with someone else expressing anger. Also, learn the five proven techniques to de-escalate an angry person that greatly increase your odds for success.

Your staff will be more confident---they will know how to handle difficult situations. Problems will be solved on the front line without the need to pass “situations” on to supervisors. These skills will help you and your employees handle customers and clients with ease. Customer satisfaction will improve, thus helping you increase sales or referrals. You will stand out above your competition.

If you work with residential clients, you can significantly decrease any physical restraints. Don’t let this information pass you by! There is nothing to lose. If you are not satisfied with the information presented, just send me an email and I’ll return the money you paid and you can keep the report.

Choice Theory Report
Choice Theory, a concept developed by William Glasser, is an explanation of human behavior.  Choice Theory has five basic components —the basic human needs, the quality world, the perceived world, the comparing place and total behavior. This report gives a more detailed explanation of these five components.
To learn more about Choice Theory click here or to purchase the report click on the title above.

About Kim Olver

Kim Olver is a professional coach, specializing in the field of interpersonal skills, empowerment and leadership development. She has functioned in the role of supervisor and administrator for over 20 years. This column is for readers to submit their questions for Kim to answer. It could be a question about supervision skills, maximizing teamwork, customer service, interpersonal skills or client satisfaction and empowerment. No interpersonal question in the field of work is off limits. To ask your question, simply send it by email to Kim@CoachingforExcellence.biz and look for her response in future issues.

F-R-E-E Teleclass

How would you like to take one of my teleclasses for f.ree? All you have to do is get two (2) people to subscribe to either of my e-zines and send me their e-mail addresses for confirmation with the name of the teleclass you would like to attend. If you do not wish to attend one of the teleclasses, you can give your f.ree teleclass to a friend or family member. It’s that simple! Send either one or both of the following links to all your friends and family and ask them to subscribe to the e-zine. For the personal edition of "Inside Out", go to The Relationship Center and for the business/school edition go to Coaching for Excellence and have them type their name and email address in the boxes on the right-hand side of the web page where it says, “Subscribe to Receive 'Inside Out', our Fr.ee EZine". Only two people actually have to subscribe for you to be eligible for a f.ree teleclass. Once their subscription has been confirmed you will receive an e-mail giving you the bridge line and access code for the teleclass of your choosing. A listing of teleclasses being offered can be found in both my weekly e-zine or on my calendar page at either web site. There is no limit to the amount of f.ree teleclasses you can earn---you get one f.ree teleclass for every two referrals that sign up for one of my e-zines. Within the next year I am planning on adding many new teleclasses on several topics including the following:

How to Do More in Less Time
Coaching for Peak Performance
Effective Communication
Goal Setting and Attainment
Diffusing Anger
Problem Solving
…….and many more.

Please continue to check this eZine and my website calendar for these new and exciting teleclasses. Don’t wait, take advantage of this offer and experience the new technology of teleclasses, learning and growing from home or office.

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Copyright © April 18, 2006 Kim Olver. All rights reserved.