Inside Out
Business Edition
"You can't change the direction of the wind. . .
but you can adjust your sails!"
--Jimmy Dean

Kim Olver, MS, NCC, LPC

www.Coachingforexcellence.biz
Kim@Coachingforexcellence.biz

To read our blog click here or go to www.coachingforexcellence.biz and click on "Blog" on the left hand navigation bar. Read some of Kim's musings and add some of your own!

A Message from Kim

Hi Everyone,

I just wanted to remind everyone about upcoming Basic Intensive Weeks in Reality Therapy/Choice Theory I am offering.

Make today the day you want it to be! 
                Unleash the power within you.

In This Issue

Feature Article
Ten Steps to Building Instant Rapport
by Kim Olver

Upcoming Events

Quote of the Month
"In organizations, real power and energy are generated through relationships....
--Margaret Wheatley

Book Review
Using Lead Management on Purpose
by Kenneth L. Pierce

Tip of the Month

Business Q&A

Products & Services

About Kim Olver

Ten Steps to Building Instant Rapport
by Kim Olver

Whether you are a teacher, counselor, therapist, doctor, receptionist, sales person or friend, you know the power of instant rapport. I was recently asked to give a talk about it and it challenged my thinking. I thought to myself, “I know how to build rapport. I do it quite naturally, but I’m not sure I can break it down to teach others how to do it.”

What I realized is that building rapport comes natural to some and others need to work at it more. It is a skill like anything else. Some of us are born with certain skills that are more effortless than others. I have no skill in the area of construction and spatial things but I know about connecting with people. But, like any skill, if you are someone who wants to get better at developing instant rapport, you can.

Here are ten steps to get you started:

1. Like People: This is a mindset. It is difficult to develop rapport with people when you don’t like them. Rapport is not something you can fake. It must be genuine or the other person will likely see through your attempts. Do a mindset check and ask yourself, “Is liking other people high on my list of priorities and in line with my values”?
   
   
2.  Attend to Your Appearance: Janet Elsea did some research to determine the factors people first notice when they meet someone. The first three factors are things about us that cannot easily be changed: skin color, gender and age. This is what you naturally bring to all your interactions with others.
   
   The things people notice that you do have control over, in order are: appearance, facial expressions, eye contact, movement, personal space and touch. You want to be neat, well-groomed, and dressed as you would be expected to for the situation. Smile. Use direct, but not piercing eye contact. Move naturally. Be comfortable in your own skin. Allow a comfortable distance between you. In the US, this is approximately 18” for casual conversation. And give a firm but not crushing handshake, if appropriate.
   
   
3.  Be Aware of Your Effect on People: All of what was mentioned in #2 are generalities. As guidelines, they are good to follow. However, in order to be good at developing rapport, you must be tuned in to the non-verbal cues of the person to whom you are relating. If you are allowing an 18” distance and the person keeps backing away from you, you may widen the distance or possible pop in a breathe mint!
   
   Only 10% of our communication consists of the actual words we use. Forty percent is comprised of the tone of our voice and 50% is about our body language. Attune to the other person’s body language and you will learn so much about the effect you are having on them.
   
   When you aren’t sure, state the observation you are making and ask the question, “I notice you keep looking at my mouth. Do I have something in my teeth”? Another possibility, “I notice you don’t look at me when I talk, does my eye contact with you make you uncomfortable”? Check out your perceptions if you aren’t sure of what’s happening.
   
   
4. Listen: This means more than just hearing what another person is saying, while politely waiting to insert your two cents into the conversation. This means actually listening for understanding of what the person is actually saying.
   
   
5. Maintain an Other-Centered Conversation: This means keep the conversation focused on the other person. I know you may have a witty story to share but for the most part keep the conversation on the other person. People generally will feel good about a conversation in which they’ve had the opportunity to talk about themselves.
   
   
6. Become Empathic: This refers to the skill of listening to the words a person is saying and identifying the underlying emotion of what they are actually communicating and then being able to reflect that emotion back to the person.
   
   
7. Know a Little about a Lot of Things: The more knowledgeable you can be about a variety of subjects, the more opportunities you will have to connect with people. If you know a little something about current events, politics, sports, movies, music, celebrities, the economy, culture, people, etc. you will be able to interject small comments into many conversations and find a point of commonality with others.
   
   
8. Suspend Value Judgments/Develop Curiosity Instead: One of the things that gets us into so much trouble in our human relationships is what I call righteousness. It’s the belief that our way is the “right” way and everyone else is “wrong.” You may have an immediate defense to this statement and think, “I don’t do that” but the reality is, we all do. In rapport building, what’s best is to recognize righteousness when it rears its ugly head and switch it over to curiosity and become interested in understanding how the other person sees and does things differently than you instead of wrongly.
   
   
9. Learn about Multi-Cultural Issues: Given the vast array of different groups of people available to you on a daily basis, some degree of cultural sensitivity is necessary to navigate through the world if building rapport is your goal. You may want to know that in Asian culture direct eye contact is typically a sign of disrespect. You may want to know that telling a Black man you didn’t even “notice” his skin color may be offensive. Develop a curiosity and you can learn these things as you go.
   
   
10. Create a Need-Satisfying Environment: In Dr. William Glasser’s Choice Theory, he speaks of five basic needs that all humans have. I believe you will increase your likelihood of building instant rapport if you attend to creating ways for people to get these needs meet within their conversation with you.

The needs are survival, love & belonging, power, freedom and fun. You want people to feel safe (survival) with you so make yourself as non-threatening as possible. You want them to feel connected (love & belonging) to you and that you care about their well-being. You want them to feel listened to, respected and important (power). You want them to have choices (freedom) and to have some fun and/or learning (fun ) going on with you.

When you are able to create this kind  of environment, instant rapport is often the result.

Copyright © April 2009 Kim Olver. All rights reserved.

Kim Olver, LPC is an executive coach, staff development specialist, public speaker and consultant. She has developed a revolutionary process called Inside Out Empowerment, designed to help leaders become more effective from the inside-out. She is also the author of, Leveraging Diversity at Work. If you would like Kim to come to your company or group to discuss Building Instant Rapport contact her using our Request for Information Form or email to Kim@coachingforexcellence.biz

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Upcoming Events

Teleconferences
(Times in EST)

All teleconferences are free, one (1) hour in length and all you need is a telephone. When you register we will send you a phone number that you will call five minutes prior to the start of your teleconference. You will have the opportunity to ask questions, but if you prefer to just listen that’s all right too. You do not need a computer or Internet, only a telephone. Don’t delay. There are a limited number of slots available.

Inside Out Empowerment Mastermind Group
Second Tuesday of Every Month
Next Teleconference: May 12, 2009

The Inside Out Empowerment Mastermind Group is not a typical teleconference. This is an actual mastermind group. Members participate equally -- both giving to others and receiving suggestions for their own challenges and opportunities. Click on the link to learn more about IOE and how it can help you to open your heart, free your mind and transform your life.

Quote of the Month

"In organizations, real power and energy are generated through relationships.
The patterns of relationships and the capacities to form them
are more important than tasks, functions, roles, and positions."

--Margaret Wheatley

This quote, to me, epitomizes the importance of instant rapport building but actually, that's just the first step. Once you develop instant rapport, then you have the greater task of maintaining that relationship. This is, in my opinion, the greater skill set and the one that is often taken for granted. We can't assume that because we connected and had an instant rapport that the rest of that relationship will just take care of itself.

Having a relationship is like caring for a Bonsai tree. It requires great skill, dedication and nurturing. Relationships are the root of all influence and therefore well worth the time. How much effort do you put into the maintenance of your important relationships?

Book Review

Using Lead Management on Purpose: Creating Excellent
Products and Servies for a Global Ecomony
by Kenneth L. Pierce

This is a review of Dr. William Glasser's work on using Choice Theory in the workplace. Its focus is on building relationships with the workers, while at the same time challenging them in a supportive environment to do their best work to provide excellent quality goods and services.

Pierce reviews Glasser's work and adds some of his own insights into the equation to create a new piece of literature for the business community about managing.

If you are responsible for managing people or heading teams, this book will give you the tools necessary to do so effectively, creating great products and services, while providing a need-satisfying environment for workers to unleash their creativity in the workplace.

I highly recommend it.

Click here to purchase this book

Tip of the Month

When dealing with developing instant rapport, it will be helpful to remember Carl Rogers' work. He is the founding father of humanistic psychology. There are three things he advocates counselors use in their conversations with clients that can be generalized to include any conversations in which you are interested in creating a positive experience for those involved.

1. Congruence: This speaks to your genuineness. Do you mean the things you say? Is there a match between the words you use and your body lanuage? Does the other person perceive you as honest?
2. Empathy: This was mentioned in the above article and basically means understanding what a person is really saying underlying the simple words . . . the ability to see things from their point of view.
3. Respect: This refers to accepting the right of other people to do what they want and express their own opinions without your judgment about it. You respect their right. You don't necessarily have to agree with it.

Business Q&A

Question: I always try to build rapport with everyone at the office. It makes work so much more pleasant but there always seems to be that one or two people that are just miserable and don't want to be nice to anyone. What can I do about them?

Answer: This is when I advise people to be generous. As humans, when our attempts to make friends with someone doesn't work, we often tend to assign sinister motives to that person. "So-and-so is just a nasty. She never says anything nice. He doesn't like anyone. He always keeps to himself." And we may even go a little further and concoct some story about their personal life that would explain why he/she is such a miserable person. In other words, we make it up.

I don't always think making it up is a bad thing. For example, you might say, "I'll bet she is so unhappy because she doesn't have any friends. I'll bet he is so angry all the time because someone really hurt him." It doesn't matter whether or not it's true. You are making up anti-social motives anyway. Why not be more generous and make up more socially acceptable ones instead?

When you begin to see the person in a different light, he may or may not change his behavior but your behavior and thinking will change in a direction that will be more healthy for you.

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